


Increasingly Stupid Fate Grand Order Filk

by aphoticdepths



Category: Fate/EXTRA CCC - Fandom, Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Drabble(?) Collection, Filk, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 02:37:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14322720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphoticdepths/pseuds/aphoticdepths
Summary: Because I can't stop writing filk for this and I supposed I had to share it with the world. Some of these are probably exclusive to my own playthrough experiences, some aren't.





	1. Chaldea Song(Campfire Song)

**Author's Note:**

> Source for this song is Campfire Song from the Lightning Thief musical.

MORDRED: Oh, things couldn’t be worse

Oh, things couldn't be worse

When your parents run the universe

 

ALL

Oh, things couldn't be worse

When your folks run the universe

 

MORDRED: My dad-mom is Arthur

Brittania’s King

You'll know when she’s there cause she starts stabbing things

I'd wait by the phone, but the phone never rings

Oh no

When you’re not a person to your dad, life can be tough

I met Father once, and once was enough

(spoken) Abby?

 

ABIGAIL: My father’s Yog-Sothoth

He’s ancient and wise

He’s got thousands of tentacles and hundreds of eyes

But if he came to Chaldea, it’d be a surprise

Oh no…

 

MORDRED and MERLIN: Oh no…

 

ABIGAIL: And my mother was murdered and my uncle works all day

So I left Massachusetts and I ran away

 

FRAN: Wait, is that true?

 

MORDRED: Everybody!

 

ALL: Oh, things couldn't be worse

When your parents run the universe

 

Oh, things couldn't be worse

When your folks run the universe

 

MORDRED: Who’s next?

 

MERLIN: (spoken) Oh, let me see!

(sung) My father’s an incubus, though I’m not sure on who

It’s safe to say that he wants me to screw

But when all you can eat’s emotions, things can fall through

Oh no…

 

ALL: Oh no…

 

MERLIN: Right?

On your sixteenth birthday, most people have their first Guinness

My dad gave me a spell to give someone a penis

 

KIRITSUGU: (spoken) My turn.

 

My mother was Natalia, she was pretty wild 

She was part succubus, so you could get beguiled

She’s not really my mom, but I’m sort of her child

Oh no…

 

ALL: Oh no…

 

KIRITSUGU: She went for a mission, said she’d see me around

And then I ended up having to shoot her plane down!

 

(Kiritsugu starts crying)

 

ALL, while Kiritsugu is still crying: Oh, things couldn't be worse

When your parents run the universe

 

Oh, things couldn't be worse

When your folks run the universe

 

FRAN: (spoken) Who’s….your father, Parvati?

 

PARVATI: Oh, well

(sung) My father sold me to the Matous!

 

(beat)

 

PARVATI: Their family magic tradition is shoving in worms.

 

(horrified noises from the group)

 

MORDRED: (spoken) Parvati wins! How about you, Kiara?

 

KIARA: (sung) My parents’ branch of Buddhism was the Shingon Tachikawa Eiten Ryū

With all of the cult with us, and a few extras too

If you’re not sure what that means, it basically means that they screw

I’ll bring home a boy, and they’ll want a piece too

 

ALL: Oh no!!

 

KIARA: (spoken) It’s so embarrassing!

 

(sung) And since they didn’t want to pay for basic health care

When I was a child, I didn’t get much fresh air

 

MORDRED: (spoken) All right, Fran, it’s your turn.

 

FRAN: (spoken) I don’t sing.

  
MORDRED: We’re all friends here. Give it a shot.

 

FRAN: (sung) My foster dad’s Professor M

He likes mathematics   
And stars in the sky-

 

MERLIN: (spoken) You’re doing it wrong.

 

KIARA: Yeah, what’s your origin story?

 

FRAN: (sung) My father...well, that’s Dr. Frankenstein I guess

He wanted me to be better and he couldn’t handle the stress

So he left me alone and my life is a mess…

Oh no-

 

ALL: Oh, YES!

 

FRAN: One day, I hope I’ll catch up with his traces

Because I’m saving my words to throw them in his face!

 

ALL: Oh, things couldn't be worse

When your parents run the universe

Oh, things couldn't be worse

 

MORDRED: But I don't care where our parents may be

As long as you are here with me

 

ALL: We don't care where our parents may be

As long as you are here with me

As long as you are here with me!


	2. Lost! (Lost!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Source is Lost! from the Lightning Thief.
> 
> It goes with FGO too well, okay? Also, this was written before Lostbelt 1's release, and isn't really canon, but this song also worked way too perfectly.

GOLDORF: Guys, we just transferred as much of Chaldea as we could to a truck!  
  
RITSUKA: Yep!

 

GOLDORF: Because it was being frozen by an unspeakably powerful demon!  


MASH: Oh, yeah.

 

GOLDORF: Is the whole trip going to be like this?

 

HOLMES: I hope so!

The A-Team are sending their soldiers after us

We’re doing something right

 

RITSUKA: All our food was in there

All our clothes were in there

All our food was in there!

 

MASH: Sit tight.

  
DA VINCI: Look, I made an itinerary for any adversary

Drawn from the quests of heroes past

It's right here in my pocket

 

HOLMES: It’s where in your pocket?

 

DA VINCI: Oops! It got busted in the blast

 

GOLDORF: What did it say?

 

DA VINCI: Drive that truck

To the Lostbelt

 

HOLMES: We’re not on the truck

 

MASH: To the Lostbelt

 

DA VINCI: I know

RITSUKA: We blew up the truck

 

MASH: To the Lostbelt

 

DA VINCI: I know!

 

GOLDORF: So what are we supposed to do?

 

MASH: Find another truck?

 

GOLDORF: What if we blow up that one too?!

 

ALL: We’re lost somewhere

In the Sea of Imaginary Numbers

And we’re never gonna make it to Russia

We’re lost-

 

GOLDORF: And it’s cold

 

MASH: And this car is very cramped

 

RITSUKA: Let’s just go

 

HOLMES: No, not that way!

 

MASH: No backup plan

 

GOLDORF: No food

 

DA VINCI: No phone

 

ALL: No responsible supervision

 

We’re lost and we’re never leave the Sea of Imaginary Numbers

If none of us are making a decision!

 

DA VINCI: It's not safe to stay out here in the open

When abominations might be hoping to eat us alive

 

RITSUKA: How do they know where we are

When we don't even know?

How are we gonna survive?

 

HOLMES: It’s our smell.

 

_GOLDORF: I don’t smell-_

 

DA VINCI: Everyone, come on, listen

We’re the first living things here since who knows when

 

MASH: They can smell us?

 

DA VINCI: Well, whether they exist’s an open question

 

RITSUKA: So hopefully we taste gross?

 

HOLMES: Fantastic, gang, well

I’d prefer to die if not on Earth, then at least somewhere CLOSE!

 

ALL: We’re lost somewhere

In the Sea of Imaginary Numbers

And we’re never gonna make it to Russia

We’re lost and it’s dark

And I think that something’s moving!

And I think that it’s coming this way

 

 _GOLDORF: Is it a monster?!_  
  
_RITSUKA: It’s Fran!_

_FRAN: (incoherent groaning)_

  
_RITSUKA: (responding)_

_GOLDORF: I don’t think she can understand you._

_RITSUKA: She’s my girlfriend, I’m used to her. Be nice! Fran has really good instincts. Maybe she can help us?_

_GOLDORF: Really? Because I think that sounds kinda….crazy._

_FRAN stops groaning._

_RITSUKA: You hurt her feelings. Tell her you’re sorry._

_GOLDORF: I am not apologizing to Frankenstein’s monster._

_MASH: He’s very sorry. Goldorf, tell Fran you’re sorry._

  
_FRAN: Grrrrrr…._

_GOLDORF: Okay! Okay! I am sorry._

_FRAN: Uuuuhh, uuuh…._

_RITSUKA: Really?!_

_FRAN: Uuuuungh! Uuuuuh!_

_DA VINCI: What’s she saying!?_

_RITSUKA: She says she knows where we are!_

_DA VINCI: Where are we!?_

 

RITSUKA: We’re lost somewhere

In the Sea of Imaginary Numbers

And we’re never gonna make it to Russia!

 

Thanks, Fran!

 

FRAN: Uuuu!

 

HOLMES: I think some god is trying to tell us it hates us.

 

MASH: I’m getting that too.

 

GOLDORF: Hungry monsters on the ground

 

DA VINCI: Deadly magic in the sky

 

HOLMES: No safe places to be found

 

ALL: Wanna run, wanna cry

 

GOLDORF: Can’t go back to any home

 

RITSUKA: Chaldea’s been sealed away

 

MASH: Can’t protect my only friends

 

ALL: No place to go

No place to stay

 

We’re lost in the world

And the world is freaking awful

And we’re never gonna make it to Russia

 

We’re lost

We’re hopeless

We’re alone

This is impossible

 

Who put the world in the hands of

Five second-rate, scared mages

It’s crazy

 

DA VINCI: So pick a direction!

 

MASH: It’s your quest.

  
RITSUKA: A direction?

 

HOLMES: We trust you.

 

GOLDORF: A direction!

 

RITSUKA: A direction?

  
DA VINCI: A direction!

 

MASH: Whatever you decide

 

RITSUKA: Whatever I decide

 

HOLMES: Master, please just decide

 

RITSUKA: There! I have a good feeling about there!


	3. Meet The Sakuras(Meet The Plastics)

_ RITSUKA: Wow, who’s that over there? _

 

_ GAWAIN: Don’t even look at them! Just don’t! _

 

We call those three the Sakuras

They’re crazy evil clones

 

TAMAMO: They ruined everything in the grail war on the moon

 

GAWAIN: They might send the void to devour you

Or stab you with their feet

 

TAMAMO: Or they might crush you until you’re a ball of meat!

_ GAWAIN: Seriously, I’ve seen it happen. _

 

TAMAMO: BB is the queen bee. She’s a genius hacker, she took on the whole moon cell. And she’ll probably kill you unless you’re her senpai.

  
BB: I’m the Moon Cancer BB

And I am a massive deal

Fear me, love me, stand and stare at me

And these?

These are real

 

I’ve got brains and looks

And I can make your life hell

Every day, you’ll all watch me

On my personal channel

 

I’m the most perfect kouhai you’ve ever seen

I never weigh more than one-fifteen

 

I’m the Moon Cancer BB

And I am a massive deal

I don’t care who you are

I don’t care how you feel

 

_ TAMAMO: That’s Meltlilith. She just really, really likes to hurt people. _

_ GAWAIN: That’s why her legs are so big. They’re full of poison. _

 

MELTLILITH: Yes, Mother, no, Mother

Every waking hour

I spend enforcing

BB’s hold on power

If BB’s the Moon Cell’s sun

Then I’m it’s disco ball

‘Cause I’m just as bright and fun

If you’ve had alcohol

I’ll probably kill you if you’re not my Master

I’ll step on you and make it hurt and cause a disaster

(TAMAMO and GAWAIN: Disaster!)

B.B. might be the queen

But I’m the real queen of the bees

Even as I’m seated at her right hand

Like a ballet princess Jesus

 

_ TAMAMO: That’s Passionlip, the...well, you can probably see what I mean. _

_ GAWAIN: I’m in awe of her. Even Raikou’s are smaller. _

 

PASSIONLIP: My name’s Passionlip

I’m not that ruthless

My hair is perfect

My top is useless

It barely covers

My, um, my massive...b-boobies…

My name is Passionlip

I may not be smart

...that’s, um, that’s it.

 

MELTLILITH: Right.

 

We hardly ever do this

But how’d you like to be our backup senpai?

 

_ RITSUKA: Oh, it’s okay- _

 

MELTLILITH: No need for you to thank me

There’s no need for you to even speak

 

BB: You’re young and so innocent

You need reliable kouhais to tell you what to think

See us here, after the event-

 

PASSIONLIP: On Wednesdays we wear pink!   
  


SAKURAS: On Wednesdays we wear pink!

 

_ (overlapping) _

BB: Here’s where you belong

Here’s where you belong

Here’s where you belong

Here’s where you belong

 

MELTLILITH: Yes, Mother, no, Mother

Every waking hour

I spend enforcing

BB’s hold on power

If BB’s the Moon Cell’s sun

Then I’m it’s disco ball

‘Cause I’m just as bright and fun

If you’ve had alcohol

  
PASSIONLIP: My name’s Passionlip

I’m not that ruthless

My hair is perfect

My top is useless

 

SAKURAS: Stop wandering around like a stray

But we don’t do this every day

Say here’s where you belong 

Say here’s where you belong

 

_ BB: No, really. Say it. _

 

SAKURAS and RITSUKA: Say here’s where you/I belong!

 

MELTLILITH: Come roll for us tomorrow!

It’ll be fetch!


	4. Hellfire I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Hellfire, the song from Hunchback of Notre Dame. I was considering Surtr for this, too, except I don't think it would make sense for him.

BRYNHILD: Oh Odin, my father

You know I am your Valkyrie

And of my loyalty I am justly proud

 

Oh Odin my father

You know I will never love again

For my curse will keep my emotions bound

 

So tell me, my father

Why I see her fighting there

Why her smoldering eyes still scorch my soul?

 

I feel her!

I see her!

The sun caught in her crimson hair

Is blazing in me out of all control

 

Like fire

Surt's fire

This burning in my skin

This burning

Desire

Is turning me to sin

 

Why must this happen!?

She's the one to blame!

That brave heroic spirit

That struck again my flames

It's not my fault!

If in your plan

Why did you make this curse so stronger than I am?

 

Protect me, my father

Don't let the curse twist my love

Don't let my fire sear her flesh and bones

Destroy my emotions!

Or she shall taste the fires of hell

And then she will be mine and mine alone

 

Surtr's fire

Love's fire

Now, Ritsuka, it's your turn

Choose me and your pyre

You'll be mine as you burn!

 

Gods have mercy on her

...Gods have mercy on me

But she will be only mine and

She will burn!


	5. Hellfire II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Hellfire by the Mechanisms, who you should listen to. Also, the singer is Avenger!Amakusa from Shimosa.
> 
> In case you couldn't tell.

AMAKUSA: _My warriors, my weapons, my flock; I have seen a vision. A castle of eternal burning flames, in an eternal void of nothing, and in it, my enemies, the ones who allowed this to happen, all of humanity, falling, falling into the flames!_

 

Your soul is connected to the world you're in

We're dragging it down with the weight of our sins

Surrounded by cruelty, madness, we all give in

We're building up the flames

 

Of that fire! That fire! That hellfire!

Your brow becomes slick as you perspire

The screams of agony are our new choir

We'll feel the burn of the flames

 

That fire! That fire! That hellfire!

Our pathetic lives will build a funeral pyre

We'll sacrifice the princess of the Tokugawa and fry her

And we'll all fall into the flames

 

A fire of damnation that will make the sun pale

Throughout every world, the Tokugawas we'll assail

We'll bring about the end with the Princess and the Grail

And all will fall into the flames

 

That fire! That fire! That hellfire!

Your skin starts to sizzle as you expire

You claim to be virtuous but you're a liar

And you'll burn to a crisp in the flame!

 

Hellfire!

Hellfire!

Hellfire!

Hellfire!

 

That fire! That fire! That hellfire!

An eternal inferno that will never tire!

The end is nigh, and eternal damnation's nigher

And we all fall into the flames!


End file.
